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My life is a living testimony of what God can do to a human being.

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Letter to my bestfriends

Dear bestfriends

Here I'm writing from my white iMac with a happy freedom spirit inside :) After 3 torturing months, I'm convinced that I'm totally being set free from the pain of breaking heart. As you guys know I'd been obsessed to a damn lucky dude for the past 7 months.But I gotta admit that this gentleman has been the only and first guy who ever touched my heart after so long time, he shook my inner depth, he brought a feeling, he obliterated the shadow of Miebi.  Where you guys (and everybody knows) I was trapped in the memory of Miebi for 4.5 consecutive years. I used to think that I could never get over him and no one is qualified enough to replace him. But as Paulo Choello mentioned on 1 of his book, The Alchemist "Life is full of surprises, you'll never know the person you would meet tomorrow in the morning". Until the day I met this China guy. I admire him, i like everything about him. everything.His smile, his attitude, his character, the way he sees things differently. How he plunges into his passion, working it all out, and turned it into his occupation. He taught me about passion, practice, and positivity. In terms of character he taught me about politeness and good manner. He makes an eye contact on conversation, he listens, he remembers, he calls people by name, he sets aside his mobile phone when people are around, he smiles with his eyes, he loves kids, he respects his parents. 

Funny and S.M.A.R.T. smart smart smart smart aahhh.. smaaarrrtt. He is intelligent by academic and by his right brain oeprated system :) One of his friend I accidentally met called him "flawless" . "Ni orang ga ada cacatnya, terlalu manis dan baik"

The first time I figured out the fact that I was just being an option, that he has someone else in mind, the moment he started stop contacting me..I...I..emm I was really down and embarrassed and discouraged and disappointed at the same time, I went through few nights of sorrow.  Not a day goes by without caring a heart-wrenching agony. I hated myself for being vulnerable.
I used to harshly abhor toward God, I told Him that if He would knew this was going to happen, why hadn't He switched off my (love) feeling, why did He let me drown to the sensation of falling in love :(((
For those of you who didn't know me all that well might think I've had exaggerate the situation. You wanna know why? To the several guys I encountered these past half of decade, I haven't felt the feeling i have for him, haven't found the courage to take the risk, Haven't met someone that I'd dying desire to be with (not even the Mr.Handsome J.McK) There were times when I didn't want to risk them all.
They said that "the time will come and that moment will be  special" And sadly I T.H.O.U.G.H.T  "that time" was coming. That was it.  So I gave away every piece of my heart wholeheartedly
 I never knew that I could ever be able to feel the beat of falling in love again..that time was unforgettably amusing :)
I traveled overseas in order to runaway but then I failed.  God has to be the only escape.
I'd been praying to God, kneel down asking the same miracle which has brought him to me, i need miracle to get me out of the prison..That desperate I was, begging for God's help to enable me forgetting him.
But the positive side is I'd gotten to the point that I shouldn't make it hard to myself. If Iove someone just let yourself freely love the guy without expect anything in return.. Here is a point to ponder "Some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but that doesn't mean they will be together". As I grabbed that wisdom, set it on my mind, believe it on my heart, and applied it to everyday living, I was so much in ease and attained the peaceful of mind back.

Aku belajar untuk menerima kedaulatan keputusan Tuhan, aku belajar untuk tidak melintir tangan Tuhan supaya memberikan apa yang aku mau. Tuhan tau kalo aku suka sama dia, aku happy banget kalo ada dia. Dan aku yakin Tuhan seneng kalo aku seneng. Tapi kalo aku nggak kesampean sama dia, there must be something that God tried to keep me away from it.

Couple of weeks ago, I woke up in the morning with a total convince that he has already checked out out of my heart. I know and I know and I know that love is no longer a feeling I have for him.
I hadn't found the courage enough to tell you guys at the beginning, i was afraid if I was just being unstable. But then as days go by, everytime I checked my twitter timeline, everytime I Ping with him, everytime I meet people that connected me to him or just reminded me of him, i felt nothing. No more Deg Deg Seerr.
By the grace of God, I am miraculously healed.
Terima kasih buat kalian teman-teman wanitaku yang (pada awalnya) ikutan berbahagia atas cerita singkat jatuh cintaku, dan terima kasih untuk tidak men-judge saat agak ngotot sama kalian, sama Tuhan kalo aku keukeuh maunya sama dia. Terima kasih tidak marah2 pas aku mewek or cemberut, khususnya Susan pas aku curcol di BBM yang panjang itu :)))
I also learned that "Rejection means God's protection"
The feeling has disappeared, the pain has been cured, but not the memories. So I have to do something to keep my heart remain cheered .

I'm creating my own fashion line, dresses are the main products. Fulfilling my passion of making people look fabulous and feel good.  The other thing I will do is learning how to play a Flute. Yes Music! I love Music. Music runs in my blood, it has inspired me in many many many ways.
I will unlock my heart and let the door open for any guy who is brave to come. I'm moving on, I spread my wings and ready to fly again...high...soar the sky.

Terkoyak sayapku, masih jauh perjalanan menuju perbatasan
Bersedih hati dan sebatang kara
Terbaring tak berdaya, basah bermandikan airmata
Dalam tidurku datanglah raksasa bersayap indah
Baik hati, rupawan, dan elok parasnya
Dia sambungkan kembali sayap-sayapku yang terkoyak
Dijahit kuat dan kembali indah disulamnya.
Terimdah lagi, aku terbang dalam naungan sayapNya
Damai dan tentram

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